If it sounds real, I probably made it up

Back from Chi

2009-07-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

I just had the most wonderful vacation in the city of Chicago. Plenty of things to write about, but not much time to do it, so I'll list a few highlights:

1.) Cubs game on the fourth of July
2.) Skimming the top of Lake Michigan on a boat
3.) Watching fireworks on the roof of a new friends' house
4.) Making new friends
5.) Spending an entire day at the park with three dogs because we were locked out of our friends house
6.) Unlimited TRa time
7.) Wrigleyville, Bucktown, Lincoln Park, the Gold Coast, Old Town
8.) Breakfast with MA
9.) Moody Bible Church Sunday service

I will post pictures later. It was the best trip EVER!

kiki san

Just putting a little life in your life

2009-06-26T10:38:00.001-07:00

On a sunny day, Volunteer Park seems almost imaginary. The beautiful conservatory filled with exotic flowers, the Asian Art Museum, sprawling green lawns and trees with branches that seem to be made for the sole purpose of climbing. This past weekend, I journeyed solo to Volunteer Park for a nice, long walk. I walked, and walked, and walked around the park (it's huge) to find the most opportune reading location. One that would keep me warm, yet out of direct sunlight (due to my sensitive Norwegian skin) and preferably in the midst of some gnarly tree roots. My solo sojourn was filled with one thought, "why have I not made a friend?" I was walking around slowly, smiling and acknowledging the Frisbee game, the dog-walkers (I probably stopped to pet 3 dogs, who can resist?) and the picnic-ers, yet no one invited me to be a part of their party. Odd really.

I walked past a set of friends and they called after me. I turned and one said, "I'm just trying to put a little life in your life". This, of course, made me laugh pretty hard. But I kept on walking. About a minute later one of the guys came running after me and asked if I would like to hang out with them for the afternoon. I ended up talking with him for over an hour. And I only left because I wanted to be on time for my dinner with Laura (which deserves a completely dif't blog entry; Laura's Kenya stories, Coastal Kitchen, new favorite granola hippy store). You know what, I'll admit that I've been a bit jaded about making new friends in Seattle, but last Saturday was a refreshing reminder; you really can make new friends anywhere, especially in your hometown!

kiki san

Easily one of the greatest days of my life

2009-06-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

I met Paul Farmer last night.

That sentence deserved stand-alone recognition. Paul Farmer is a true delight. At one point I was standing with Chris Elias (the president of PATH, who himself is one of the greatest global health leaders) and Paul in the holding area. It was just the three of us. I was so excited I said, "Dr. Farmer, I just want you to know that students have come from Canada and Oregon and started lining up at 2:30 today. There are a thousand people here. We all think you're a rock star!" Did I really say "rock star"?!?!?! How embarassing. Anyway, he was completely gracious.

Here are a couple of pictures from last night. It was magical.

The co-planners, Nicole, Jessica and me. These girls are two great people to work with!

The Director of WGHA, Lisa Cohen, addressing the crowd.

And the big one. Lisa, Paul Farmer, and me. Ahhhhhhh!!!

kiki san

Mountains Beyond Mountains

2009-06-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

Paul Farmer is in Seattle right now (squeal of delight)! He is right up there with my everyday heroes, Nicholas Kristof and David Brooks. Farmer is the subject of Tracy Kidder's "Mountains Beyond Mountains". Back in my Miss WA days, my dear friend Laura suggested I read the book. I read plenty of good books that year, but his was the only book I ever blogged about (if you followed the blog then, you knew I tried not to endorse any particular politics, businesses or books). I couldn't resist endorsing Kidder's book. I remember saying, not only should people read it, I hoped they would be inspired enough to be changed by Farmer's approach to life. Paul Farmer is the consummate Robin Hood, sometimes robbing the rich to pay the poor (lifting medical equipment from Harvard for clinics in Haiti). He has started clinics around the world with his organization Partners In Health . He is also being considered for the top post in USAID by the Obama Administration.

His life inspired me to get into global health. Imagine my excitement when I found out that we would be asking Farmer to do a town hall with us?! When an email from him appeared in my inbox I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them that I got an email from Paul Farmer! I restrained myself then, but I don't know what I will do when I get to meet him tomorrow night. I'm sure it will just be a "hello, my name is..." kind of introduction, but my knees could buckle, and then I might black out and then Paul Farmer might have to save my life. Can you imagine?

I'm going to try my darndest to get a picture with him, though I know the masses will be flocking around him. If I do, I'll post it here. If you're in Seattle tomorrow night, please come. It is free and open to the public.

kiki san

Three things I want right now

2009-06-16T13:25:00.001-07:00

A hammock

A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (puppy)

A plane ticket to another country

kiki san

And now a word from Beth Moore's son-in-law...

2009-06-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

I luuuurve the Living Proof Ministries blog so much there's a little linky-loo that I've called out to the left (The LPM blog). I read today's post, written to Beth Moore's daughter from her daughter's husband and I thought it was one of the sweetest dang things I ever did read. I'm linking to it now so that everyone who is a little schmalzy like me can have an excuse to well up.

kiki san

New things

2009-06-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

God loves new things. He loves new things so much, He went to the trouble of pointing it out tons of times in the Bible. I hadn't ever thought of God's love for new things until yesterday when John Lindell from James River Church in Springfield, MO, came to speak at church. He pastor's the second largest Assembly of God church in the denomination. John was encouraging our church through his church's amazing story of growth and somewhere in the process made a simple comment about how God loves new things and builds new mercies into each day. Well, my mind ran with that.

This morning I was reading a book by Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend and they gave a running list of personality "red flags" and "yellow lights" to look for in others. I grimmaced as I looked at the page because I, unfortunately, had some of the traits they identified. Before I could mentally clothesline myself over things I'd done, or said, or thought because of these traits, I was reminded of John's words, "God loves new things". As I looked at the list again, I thought of God's ability to make me new, and man, was I encouraged!

I love that God gives me a chance to make a new choice. He's been called the God of second chances, but really He should be called the God of infinite chances. I admit it; I'm prone to mistakes. But I'm also prone to believing that God can carefully sweep up behind me and say, "I know you really messed that one up, but we worked through it, so I'm going to give you another chance because I love you and I'm for you."

I always have some song in my head. It's usually some song from the 80's (with an emotional crescendo and synth), but every once in awhile, I start singing a unique new song. The new song doesn't necessarily have an ending, or even a chorus, it's just a string of thoughts that I start singing. I'm often surprised by the things that come out of my mouth, sometimes they make little, to no, sense (an example that comes to mind, "you are a wandering housefly with green buttons of splendor"), but other times I'm comforted by the words coming from my own mouth. It's pretty clear to me that when the latter happens, God has put a new song on my heart. And that amazes me.

New believers, new days, new chances, new hope, new vision; God has placed a new sensitivity in my heart for all of these. So now I turn the table and ask what's new with you, dear blog reader?

kiki san

Chicago is my kind of town

2009-06-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

With less than a month until T and I go to Chicago for vacation, I couldn't hep but reminisce about the first trip we took there in December. After experiencing the literal breathtaking cold, I can't wait to see how Chicago feels in the Summer. So far the itinerary includes a Cubs game, meeting up with Chicago friends, a boat ride on Lake Michigan, and apartment hunting. Got any other suggestions about what we should do in Chi town?

I also want to give you a peek at Lincoln Park, the neighborhood where we'll be looking for apartments. Isn't it cute? Almost daily, I imagine myself walking my dog here. No, I don't have a dog, but I will when I move to Chi!

kiki san

Loud patterns

2009-06-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

To be quite honest, dear blog reader, this morning I was feeling a bit annoyed. This week has been one of those, "I get in my car at the end of my day and realize that I've taken short, quick breaths for the past nine hours due to the crazy amount of work I need to get done" kind of weeks. Well, I don't know about you, but usually when I take said breaths they make me feel like I want to pass out. So I've been decompressing in my car with really heavy sighs which make me feel less like passing out and more like falling asleep. Weird extremes. Anyway, when I started my morning out, I could feel those tasks begin to cloud the one solid, set-aside time I have with the Lord every day and it annoyed me! I just prayed "give me a steadfast mind" over and over, until I finally felt released from the grip of my work to-do list. And then I had to pray about why I was annoyed...oh the journey.

I saw some notes in my Bible that caught my eye when I was thumbing through Romans looking for another verse, the notes were surrounding Romans 12:2. I stopped and read the verse;

"Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This is one verse that will pop into my head from time-to-time without any material prompting, but as I read it today I couldn't dispute that I was lead to it by the Holy Spirit. I started thinking about the patterns of this world and I knew that my work-life balance had to be a consequence of the pattern of this world! God didn't give me tiny lungs. In fact he gave me such a huge ribcage to house my huge lungs that when paired with my tiny hips, I equal, pencil body. I say that because I don't think God wants me to work so hard that I deprive my body of oxygen due to the amount of stress I'm dealing with. That has to be a consequence of this world. We live in an "Oh sure I can do that" society that leaves us so busy, we don't have time to breathe.

Sidenote: I just took a moment to breathe very deeply...deep breath was hindered by my pencil skirt, sigh. I can't win:).

I love that God promises that we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds. This is one of those principles that is way easier to say than do. But the point is that I have to do it. I don't renew my mind by taking a mental break to envision myself sitting on a mossy rock by a gentle stream (though in most cases I am a vocal champion of the imagination) I renew my mind by thinking through my character flaws and talking with God about how I can learn and grow from them. The whole time, actively receiving God's grace so I don't condemn myself for my short-comings. God has made it so clear to me that this is how the transformation happens. You have to get in your car, go into the library, and talk to the librarian before you can renew a book. Why should it be any less work to renew your mind?

I came to work this morning with a fresh, "renewed" perspective and I kept my promise I made earlier in my prayers to be an advocate and not a critic (also a pattern of this world that I to frequently conform to) and you know what? I felt a transformation.

kiki san

The dale of silver

2009-06-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

I went home this weekend and loved unplugging from my Seattle life to just be with my family. Mom and I talked well into the afternoon of Saturday, me still in my long pink robe (at this point I think I can classify it as "vintage"), Mom doling out the wisdom. We made some dinner with Aunt S and the little sis and then sat down to a LONG game of Phase 10. Have you ever played Phase 10 dear blog reader? I swear you have to make a commitment to a minimum of 3 hours if you're playing the game with more than 3 people. I think Phase 10 is our family's game. It reminds me of camping trips and Coleman lanterns. We would gather around the picnic table and play until the bitter end. And when I say "bitter" I mean, usually the little sis did not win, and she would stomp away from the table talking about how unfair it was:). Ha! Happy to report that she's grown up and didn't stomp away from the table this time!

On Sunday, the little sis and I drove to Papa San's house to spend some time quality time with him. After a healthy dose of Fox News, I ventured solo to my cousin's soap box derby. Unbeknownst to me this was not a pine wood derby (in my mind they were racing little whittled cars with lead stuffed inside the tip) and I showed up to see the kids sitting in the derby cars, racing them down a hill. How come I never knew about this as a kid?!?

I got to spend some QT with Aunti T and Uncle S, and G'ma and G'pa even showed up! What an unexpected treat! I have to say that one of my favorite parts of the day was Auntie T telling me that Uncle S was consciously saying "yes" to everything nowadays. You have to understand that I think my Uncle S is the funniest person in the family (there are a lot of funny people in the brood, so he's off-the-charts funny). He would run off in the middle of a conversation, to load a derby car in the start gate, and then he would return to tell a story about how his WD40 wheels were on the winning car, then he would run back to help tear the tent down. Apparently he's also volunteered to run the projector at church, which created the first snag in his "say yes to everything" plan as the derby was all day Sunday. I can't wait to see what he says "yes" to next.

I love my family. I love spending time with them. I think they are some of the wisest, funniest, best people to be around. Every time I go home I think, "I could stay a few days longer."

kiki san

Ten years later

2009-06-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

Found this sweet little gem from community theatre circa 1999. I think I was the only blonde, fair-skinned girl to play Scheherezade. I mean, she's Arabian.

Sweet belt.

middle-eastern kiki san

That's what she said...

2009-06-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

Jim and Pam. Michael and Dwight. Kelli Kapoor.

I can't help but love The Office. When I left my job at BlueView, my going away present was a picture of all of our faces photoshopped onto an existing photo from The Office. I was, as it turned out, not Pam, but Kelli Kapoor. I love that picture.

John Krasinki is #2 on my crush list (nobody beats Conan) because he is so real and funny, and charming, and humble. He did an interview with Time Magazine on video and they asked him 10 questions from fans. I love his response to the "that's what she said" question.

Sigh.

kiki san

Good counsel

2009-06-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

My small group is going through the book, "Safe People" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and being led by Kathy Mac, the ever-understanding, expert counselor from our church. Small group is tonight and I'm looking forward to finally learning about how to find safe people (after weeks of learning about how to identify unsafe people). I stumbled on Cloud and Townsend's website today and found myself clicking through their online videos as I ate my lunch (leftover ground turkey and peppers turned out well enough to be leftovers!). These two guys share some of the wisest advice; how could they not?! They penned the earth-shattering, "Boundaries" book. I've felt the freedom to say "no" ever since:).

One video that I thought was spot-on about what Women want to find in Men, is absolutely worth checking out no matter what your gender.

kiki san

I enjoy being a girl

2009-06-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

It's 86 degrees outside, and guess what? I'm wearing a dress. Oh, I love being a girl. Men, by rule, aren't allowed the social freedom to wear semi-pants (i.e. shorts) to work, but Women can freely wear skirts and dresses.

Here is a list of other reasons I love being a girl:

1. I can wear high heels

2. There are tons of Christian books out there specifically geared toward my gender

3. I can ask my mechanic to explain, for the third time, why my car is making that noise and he never seems to mind (possibly offensive comment, but if I was a guy, I'm pretty certain my mechanic would be annoyed)

4. I can freely hug

5. I always have the right to refuse a boy who asks me to dance

6. I can wear sparkles

7. I can tell people how much they mean to me without feeling embarassed

Yesterday I was working on my fitness in my pink t-shirt and ponytail when I peered at my reflection in the gym mirror. I noticed that I was sweating so hard, my t-shirt looked like I had run through the sprinkler in it. I lifted those 5 pounders (hey, I'm not looking to bulk up) to do my final set of tricep flies and smiled to myself, because I was disgusting. Disgusting.

Sometimes I think the gym is gender neutralizing because it's the one place where I can sweat excessively and nobody seems to care. In fact, dare I say, it might even make me look cooler (literally. get it?:).

The moment I walked out the door of the gym in my workout clothes, I felt embarrassed because of how my shirt looked. I kind of skip-ran past the outdoor-seating restaurants lined along the street until I got to my car. This probably drew more attention (I was, after all, displaying Mr. Bean-like spurts of running energy), but I just couldn't look at the people's faces as I passed. I knew that they were all thinking, "Ew, how could a girl sweat that hard?! "

kiki san

Magua would be proud

2009-06-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

I stood there holding its lifeless body and fought tears as I apologized for breaking its bones.

This was me, last night, as I took on my latest cooking endeavor; butchering a whole chicken before roasting it. I've never butchered anything, except figuratively. It started out so innocently; my meals programmed into a grocery list on my iPhone (btw, my grocery shopping will never be the same due to a cool app that sorts my grocery list into aisles and prices...genius!) I strolled with my cart of goodies to the meat department. I scanned the whole chickens to see which looked the freshest, and finally made my prize pick. I got it home, so excited to try my new recipe, and quarantined my chicken prep area. I took it out of the bag and that's when it hit me; I felt bad for the chicken and even worse for what I was about to do to it.

The next 20 minutes I can most closely compare to the Indian ambush of the retreating English in The Last of the Mohicans.

When I finished, I wasn't hungry. I roasted the chicken anyway, and it turned out to be delightfully delicious. I'm kind of scarred from the whole thing though.

So tonight I'm making ground turkey with peppers. I'm looking forward to this recipe, mainly because the turkey is already ground.

kiki san

The new C.E.O. of G.M.? America.

2009-06-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

The news of G.M. filing for bankruptcy this morning wasn't a huge shock to anyone, but I was floored by the decision that came out of the bankruptcy. We the people, now have a 60% share in the company, which means that for the first time in history our government can now add "business owner" to its list of responsibilities. Setting aside the obvious concerns I have regarding the growth of government and its power, I want to focus in on what "we" just got ourselves into.

G.M. reported in its bankruptcy filing that it had assets totalling $82.3 billion and more than twice that in debt ($172.8 billion to be exact). So how exactly did the U.S. government acquire G.M.? By the Treasury-sponsored sale of G.M.'s assets to a "New G.M."

So how much financial obligation did our Treasury commit into the hands of the tax-payers today? Another $30 billion. Add that to the $20 billion unsuccessful bail-out handed to them recently. So we will invest $50 billion into a company that's $172.8 billion in debt. And we're supposed to produce a leaner, new G.M. which pops out hybrids on U.S. soil?

Dear blog readers, I just don't know how this makes economic sense.

I despise that working-class, blue collar Americans will lose jobs over this (21,000 projected), and plants will shut down. I don't want to be insensitive to that. And President Obama said we really had no choice due to the economic burden of unemploying all of G.M.'s workers, but what about old-fashioned market consequences?

If a market can't support a company at it's current weight, due to lack of demand, then the company needs to lose a few inches. If it doesn't successfully lose the weight quickly, then it's a behemoth, eating up the little food (food in this case is assets) that's left. Eventually starvation is imminent and the only hope for the company is to shut-down. If the demand comes back, smaller, more efficiently run companies will start to pop-up all over the place, and many of those same people can find their way back to employment (I acknowledge that this does not take into account the workers who are not as nimble, i.e. the yard worker who's been doing his job for 35-40 years and has a solidly established skill-set that supports the only job he's ever had. I'm still thinking through how to tackle that dillema). But until then, we have to adjust!

While we are getting behemothic (don't know if that's a word, but I mean "big beyond big") other countries are nimbly meeting the needs of this globalized tech-society.

No, I don't think a good decision was made. I think an easy decision was made for today without taking into account tomorrow.

Here's the thing, I'm so frustrated right now I could call my Papa San to talk about the death of the free market as we know it, but ultimately that does no one any good. So what can I do, especially for these 21,000 people who will lose their jobs? Well, geographically, not a lot. But I will be praying for them. And I will be keeping my eyes peeled to see if social programs (not talking about gov't-funded social programs) step up to the plate. Let's start looking at how we can retrain workers to do other vocations. How can we make sure their kids know about 21st century jobs? How do we work to ensure they can stay in the house they built 30 years ago with their high school sweetheart?

This G.M. news is a wake-up call. We're investing in something so risky it is almost doomed to fail, so let's start looking at the social implications of a "no G.M.". I say we start looking at how we can be better neighbors. Now's when the Second Commandment really can kick-in.

I want to know your thoughts on this.

kiki san

New favorites

2009-06-01T10:02:00.000-07:00

"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."

Isaiah 26:3

My new favorite flower and my new favorite verse.

Happy Monday!

kiki san

You will be open, mind

2009-05-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

Nickolas Kristof introduced me to a new personality test in his column today. This is not one of those "how well do I know random Facebook friend" quizzes, but rather a legit way to contribute to research among five social psychologists out of UVa. The quizzes ask questions to determine why you have the morals you do (ex: does belief in God dictate morals?) and what your personality is composed of.

The graph below represents my personality based upon the questions asked. Alarmingly, I am not as agreeable as I thought I was. Hmmm.... The five personality traits are explained below the graph. When you have a few minutes, go take a test http://www.yourmorals.org/ .

I learned something new about myself today. (my personality is represented by the green columns).

1. Openness to experience: High scorers are described as "Open to new experiences. You have broad interests and are very imaginative." Low scorers are described as "Down-to-earth, practical, traditional, and pretty much set in your ways." This is the sub-scale that shows the strongest relationship to politics: liberals generally score high on this trait; they like change and variety, sometimes just for the sake of change and variety. Conservatives generally score lower on this trait. (Just think about the kinds of foods likely to be served at very liberal or very conservative social events.)

2. Conscientiousness: High scorers are described as "conscientious and well organized. They have high standards and always strive to achieve their goals. They sometimes seem uptight. Low scorers are easy going, not very well organized and sometimes rather careless. They prefer not to make plans if they can help it."

3. Extraversion: High scorers are described as "Extraverted, outgoing, active, and high-spirited. You prefer to be around people most of the time." Low scorers are described as "Introverted, reserved, and serious. You prefer to be alone or with a few close friends." Extraverts are, on average, happier than introverts.

4. Agreeableness: High scorers are described as "Compassionate, good-natured, and eager to cooperate and avoid conflict." Low scorers are described as "Hardheaded, skeptical, proud, and competitive. You tend to express your anger directly."

5. Neuroticism: High scorers are described as "Sensitive, emotional, and prone to experience feelings that are upsetting." Low scorers are described as "Secure, hardy, and generally relaxed even under stressful conditions."

unagreeable kiki san

I wanna be like Mike

2009-05-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

"Why are you good at your job?"

I was asked this question by a student today at Ingraham High School because I was participating on a panel for career day. I was representing PATH, which felt weird, because at the age of 24, I have little business representing a 30 year old organization. But I took a stab at answering her question because I couldn't just respond by staring dumbly.

"Well, I'm good at my job because I believe in maintaining consistency across projects. I can flexibly handle a mid-stream switch without getting frustrated. I do not have ADD, but have so many responsibilites, I work like I do. And above all, I ask questions because I usually don't know the answer."

One of the students approached me after the panel and said, "I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I want to be like you." (cue my incredulous laugh) Upon further investigation I found out that she actually wanted my job, not necessarily to be like me. But the idea of having a role model stuck to my mind, and I've been kicking it around since. Over my lifetime I've had many role models which have been elevated due to whatever goal(s) I am working toward.

When I was younger I wanted to be a marine biologist/interior decorator like my Auntie T. Except that she was neither of those things:). For some reason I thought she was. Weird. I switched ambitions to musical theatre and thought that I might belt out "I am what I am" with my hero Linda Eder on a Broadway stage. Then came college and my role models "matured" with me. I came into my own in the poli sci department and so did because of people like Fareed Zakaria (before CNN), Chris Matthews, David Brooks, and Reed Davis. My role models now are Beth Moore, Dear C, Henri Nouwen, and almost anyone who can shed light on how to lead a daily walk of faith. I love that God created so many different kinds of people to be role models. And He is so gracious, He doesn't limit your life to an allowance of just one.

As I was walking out of the school I met pilots, firefighters, ad execs, and a groovy art enclave director. I wonder, who were their role models? Wouldn't it be cool to get all of your role models in one room so they could meet each other and see their collective product?

kiki san

"It's not my business, but I'm concerned"

2009-05-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

I feel that food is an extension of who someone is. I used to think I had a diverse pallate, that was until I woke up to a traditional Japanese breakfast on my first day as an exchange student. I dove right in, happily eating little crunchy "japanese fries" (naming convention mine) until my translator laughingly pointed out that they, in fact, had eyes and were fish. After that episode, I learned to ask first, eat second. At least in Japan. Different story in S. Leone. I didn't want to know what I was eating there until it had been successfully digested.

Since I spend so much time at work, I've placed a lot of importance on the enjoyability of meals. I usually prepare my lunch at work because we have a huge kitchen. My preference is to eat many small meals throughout the day. Today, I was cutting up celery, zuchini, and peppers of the green and orange variety, when a colleague walked in on my sous-ing. He looked alarmed and said, "it's not my business, but I'm concerned about you". Then he said I was "slight" and needed protein. I told him he had no need for worry as this was meal 1 of 5 for the day.

In an odd way, his concern kind of warmed my heart housed in my slight body.

kiki san

Perfect peace

2009-05-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

I can't recall a Memorial Day signalling the start of Summer quite so beautifully as today has. The french doors in my room have been swung wide, erasing the boundary between the space belonging to me and the space belonging to nature. An ocean-colored blanket bridges the carpet of my room to the concrete of the outdoor patio. And here I am, propped up on a carefully constructed stack of pillows, with a cool glass of water, and my hot pink painted toes escaped from the shade of my room, to enjoy the sun.

I'll be digging in the dirt here shortly (the weeds seem to feel more at home in our patio than the flowers, as noticed by staring outside without interruption for the past hour), but wanted to share a thought that so encouraged my heart this morning.

"There are many aspects to the nature of Christ. He is the Good Shepherd, our Deliverer and our Healer. We perceive God through the filter of our need of Him. And thus He has ordained, for He Himself is our one answer to a thousand needs."

-Francis Frangipane

I'm so dense, I didn't get the fullness of it the first time I read it. I had to reread it a few times and then I got chills. Good chills.

And just because it's Memorial Day and I love the 'cue, I'm posting pictures from our bbq last night. J came over with Brutus, the Haslam's newest addition to their family.

Prepping vegetable skewers for imminent grilling.

Look at that heaping potato salad...and J's distant stare.

Brutus.

kiki san

Consider the lilies

2009-05-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion."

- Mark Batterson

I don't need an anesthetic

2009-05-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wake up with a content, "life just couldn't get better" feeling in my soul. I half-make my bed with me still tucked in and roll out while trying not to disturb the aligned corners of my comforter and sheets. When my feet have found my slippers, I finish the job and adorn the bed with my 17 throw pillows. It's usually around that time that I realize I've had a sleepy grin on my face the whole time.

But not this morning.

I have a 7am yoga class on Thursday's, which I greatly enjoy when I participate. I am a "stretcher" (merci beacoup ballet), so yoga is a good excuse for me to "stretch it out" in an environment with other stretchers (people, not hospital stretchers, though maybe at some point one will need to be brought in...that was such a Papa san joke).

Well dear blog reader, I didn't go today.

I woke up with such a subconscious indifference in my spirit, it alarmed me. To be real, I was not immediately alarmed (maybe someday I'll be that in-tune), it was only after my last bite of brown sugar oatmeal, that I felt a gentle prompting to, "turn this ship around." So yoga fell off my calendar which freed up a good hour to seek guidance from my favorite Counselor. I sopped that hour up so quickly, when I finally looked up, I was smiling at a clock that told me I needed to hustle to get to work.

Indifference is one of my biggest personal enemies. It can creep in and neutralize my heart's reaction to simple joy (which I consider a spiritual gift...not being simple, but finding simple joy in anything...I can hear my Papa San chuckling about me "being simple"). Lessons like this reinforce how personal God is and what kind of a relationship He seeks. He knows my inmost thoughts and has equipped me through the work of the Holy Spirit, to identify the whisper of indifference. Essentially the, "check yourself before you wreck yourself" reflex. And He has not only equipped me to identify the numbness, but He's shown me that through prayer and supplication, feeling can come out the victor.

With a new lightness of spirit, I journeyed to work this morning. As I settled in front of my inbox, tea in hand, I thought, "man I love oatmeal with brown sugar".

See, simple joy.

kiki san

Fan Mail

2009-05-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Conan,

I've been a fan of yours since my 11th birthday party when my Mom let me stay up late enough to watch your show for the first time. You were my first crush.

When I was in high school, you got married. In Seattle of all places. I was happy for you, of course, because it's what you wanted, but devastated for me. Tell me, do you have any younger brothers or cousins who share your wit and height? If so, please write me back and I will provide you with my contact information as well as three character references.

I will loyally DVR your Tonight Show because I still can't stay up that late.

Forever yours,

kiki san

In praise of dullness

2009-05-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

David Brooks, conservative columnist for the NYTimes, came to SPU back when I was a senior. He lectured on the importance of students getting out into the community to volunteer. Unfortunately I wasn't there to listen because I was just one floor below begging students to register to vote. I am still so bummed I missed hearing him speak because I have really grown from reading his op-eds over the years. I usually fire his articles off to a select few, but today I read his piece on the personalities of C.E.O.'s, and had to relay it to you, dear blog reader.

Recently a number of C.E.O.'s were polled, in a study called, "Which C.E.O. Characteristics and Abilities Matter?” The results pointed away from charisma, vision, listening and being a good communicator and instead pointed to the importance of attention to detail, analytic efficiency and (gasp) the ability to work long hours. Brooks sums it up by saying, "The C.E.O.’s that are most likely to succeed are humble, diffident, relentless and a bit unidimensional."

Diffident? Unidimensional?

When I envision myself in 15 years I have two divergent (at times, slightly convergent) lives. Life one: I am a very happy Mother and Wife, making up craft projects and treasure hunts for my curious kiddos.
Life two: I am a diligent CEO of a non-profit with a rolodex the size of Texas and a social life filled with benefits and lectures.

Reading Brooks' column, my eyes were opened to a new line of thinking. Maybe the rolodex and the benefits and the lectures aren't so neccessary in the case of life two. Maybe it is more important for me to be...boring.

In that case, I'll take life one:).

kiki san

Tree People

2009-05-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

How many trees I've climbed and never wanted to come down from! I used to attempt to climb trees with my Bro, because he was, and still is, my hero due to his overt fearlessness. My little, spindly arms couldn't reach as far as his. He would climb up so high and I wanted to be right next to him, so I would holler for him to come get me (quiet and demure, I was not). And he would.

One tree, in particular, stands out in my memory. If I had known how to liken a "thing" to an "experience" at that age, I would have likened its "contents" to that of "the holy grail of my childhood". Because about three hundred feet off the ground (childhood memories seldom lie, I'm still convinced it was 300 ft), perched atop the steadiest branches, was the house of my dreams. It was the dirtiest, slipshod treehouse; but I loved it.

I really wanted to live in it, so much so, I would imagine the logistics of treehouse living and maintenance. Where I was going to cook, where I was going to sleep, where I would listen to my radio (because I knew my Momalade wouldn't let me have a TV in there; I didn't even have one in my room). All of this imagining in a treehouse no bigger than an 8' x 5' rectangle. Our friends who owned the treehouse moved away and I never got to play in a treehouse quite like that one, but I still think I would do a pretty, darn good job living in one of those modest rectangles...:).

kiki san

2009-05-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Lemon drop cupcake meet my family and friends. Family and friends, meet the only cake I like enough to dream about.

Miss Frizzle

2009-05-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I rolled out of bed in front of my full-length mirror I observed my hair. I thought to myself, "this mop looks like it's been through a strong nor'easter". It was day two, so no shower (still trying to save the world that way). I tried to lessen the crazy with a few passes of a curling iron, but after trying to reason with it, we (my hair and I) came to an impasse. At work I forgot all about my hair. My boss came in to my office and upon seeing me, paused in the middle of her sentence to ask, "are you ok?" Apparently my hair was giving off a "I'm having a rough go of it" vibe. I assured her I was fine and was, in fact, going for a more carefree look afterall...thank you.

Then in the late morning the plant guy Chris, walks into my office and says, "whoa, your hair looks different". Ok, now I know that if the plant guy, who himself has a pretty wiley 'do, is noticing, my hair really must be that bad. So I hop up and over to the bathroom mirror trying to get a good 180 degrees on it. I finally see what they've both commented on. I curled one clump of hair straight out. One curl was electrocutedly parallel to the floor while the rest of my wavy hair tamely hung around my neck. I messed with my hair a bit and then returned to my cube wisely laughing at myself. "Yes, this is bad hair, but it's nowhere near as bad as..."

Happy Friday!

kiki san

Kristof in SL

2009-05-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

Nicholas Kristof is one of my heroes. Right now he's 4wheeling over West Africa with a sophomore in college who earned the opportunity to travel with Kristof and blog for the NY Times. While reading the student's blog (his name is Paul Bowers btw) about Sierra Leone, I couldn't help but feel like we shared alarmingly similar observations and feelings. If you have a few moments, I encourage you to read his thoughts http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/13/win-a-trip-hope-in-africa/#comments.

In SL I was reading, "Hope dies last" by Studs Terkel. The book was largely disappointing (I'm just not captivated by the story of organized unions in the U.S., but Studs Terkel has a bomb name and some street cred due to a Pulitzer...not won for this book) but it sat on my dresser all summer with that beautiful title.

The inescapable poverty of beggars, preventable sickness endemic only to certain SLeonean populations, buried vitriol quietly waiting to be unearthed by the next civil dispute; all of these, good excuses to allow hope to evaporate. Dancing with Phoebe, little independent girls at the orphanage teaching me how to scale fish with a machete, Kebbie and Philip (two 7 year olds) making me a soccer ball with a tightly wound ball of tape just so I could play with "my boys", tucking orphans in at night who would drift off saying "I love you Aunty K, see you tomorrow"; all of these, better excuses to hold onto hope. Hope does die last. There are too many little things hope can inhabit for me to believe hope has any chance of dying.

I am grateful that I had the chance to experience hope in that hemisphere.

kiki san

Tiny Dancer

2009-05-13T10:37:00.001-07:00

There are about a million songs I love. In fact I've been called out for crediting multiple songs as, "my favorite song of all time". I have 20 different Pandora strains and while listening to my Ben Folds station today, "Tiny dancer" started playing. How could I not play piano on my desk and mouth all of the words? That's got to be my favorite song of all time. Well, except for "Every little thing she does is magic" by The Police. That drum riff at the top of the song is...genius. When H and I saw The Police drummer (Stewart Copeland) rip that up live, I cried because I was so excited. I mean I love that song, but I also can't forget to mention that I was brought up singing every song on Garth Brooks' "No fences" album. "Friends in low places" made me an alto (or tenor, or baritone, I definitely bottom out on that "low places" part of the chorus). On the other hand, I think my favorite song is "Tricky" by Run DMC. Bro and I would hear "This *%&$# is my recital..." come on at dances and dig through the crowd to find each other just so we could rap together. "Africa" by Toto will always be up there. There's a lute solo in the middle, that's why.

I always want to sing my favorite songs, but the songs aren't always meant for my lady vocals (I can't sing "Appalachian spring" by Aaron Copland, because there are no words...silly...actually, I take that back, I do sing along to "Simple gifts"). At J's wedding I fulfilled a high school, sophomore year fantasy, she asked me to sing "Then you look at me" by Celine. To give you a bit of perspective on the depth of my excitement; I used to top our footstool (a.k.a. my stage) at least twice a week and sing that song with such intensity that I sometimes embarassed myself. ha.

Some crazy good honorable mentions:
"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
"One" by U2
"Ocean Song" by Jessica McLean
"King of Pain" by The Police
"The Lighthouse Song" by Nickel Creek
"Baba O'Riley" by The Who

Actually now that I really think about it, my favorite of all time has to be, "It is well with my soul". Sigh. I love music.

kiki san

Surpassing expectation

2009-05-12T12:09:00.001-07:00

Tuesday morning, oil change appointment. Shudder. Every time I get my oil changed they say I need this head gasket, and that spark plug, and a slight transmission flush. Easy to see why I shudder at the thought of getting my oil changed. So I decided to try a new place, a legit auto shop, not the usual Grease Monkey (who named that by the way?). I prayed pretty hard over this because I knew that my car would possibly need some Buzz Lightyear treatment (you know, "infinity and beyond"). I gingerly stepped into the new shop this morning only to meet the this kind guy named Charlie. I told him about the low rumble my car had started making on Saturday, I then demonstrated it and included some hand motions for effect. He said they would get to the bottom of it.

I was nervously waiting for them to come and brief me on what was happening with my car (which in my mind went a lot like a hospital visit where the news was anything but good). To my surprise, they brought me out to the garage and had me stand under my car to see what they had done. They explained everything to me (which was fascinating) and then told me I actually only had one thing I needed to fix aside from my tires (Momalade and Papa San, you will be happy to know I invested in new tires this morning:). I kept asking, "what else?" They said, "there's nothing else". I could have hugged those greasy boys in my work clothes, standing there under my car! Since they needed to keep the car for the afternoon, one of them drove me to work! Talk about service! I feel like I've finally found my mechanics. This is a big deal, because I had previously operated out of a spirit of fear when it came to fixing my car. Now I feel like I have some buddies down the street who can help me out. I tell you, these smaller answered prayers really strengthen my faith.

Charlie just called and told me I could come pick up my car. I told him I'd be in around 5:15, and he said "darn, I won't be here". I mean that's more than service:).

kiki san

Still

2009-05-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

What a lovely word "still" is. Merely thinking of its meaning makes me in fact, still. It has the same ability to elicit effect or impression as an onomatopoeia (if we were in person I would start singing the Nihongo song "Ame, ame, fure, fure, janome de omukae, ureshina" because it's the best onomatopoeia song I've heard:). I so love being still that I scraped enough money together to invest in the most perfect, comfy, leather armchair I could find just to have a place to be still (I waited for it to go on sale. Yes, I am my Momalade's daughter). It was my first "big girl" purchase (thanks Dear C for lovingly bestowing that title). Every morning I sit in that chair with a cup of coffee and flip through to my pink satin bookmark which marks the end of yesterday's journey and the beginning of today's. Some mornings I ignore my bookmark and wander to old comforts, and am surprised by how new they seem (do I hear an "amen" G-ma?). Yesterday my Pastor preached a Mother's Day sermon about 1 Corinthians 13 which translated into this morning's wandering. As I read "...faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love" it struck me still.

People demonstrate love in so many ways, and I acknowledge that it should be demonstrated in trillions of ways (I think there are trillions of ways to love...:) But the most profound love I have ever felt has come from someone sitting still with me while I'm experiencing something words can't even come close to touching. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, love does not boast...Love is sharing in the waiting, love is in the little things that show compassion, love is cheering the loudest for someone else's success, love is humble and gracious. Thinking about all of this love stuff in the context of the relationship I have with God, I can see how He has shown me love in every one of these ways. Every single one. I guess this is the reason why I go back to my leather chair every morning, which, btw, has a sweet indent in the shape of my behind by now so it fits me oh-so-nicely.

God is love,

kiki san & Rev Run

Tour de Kitsap turned into Tour de Magnolia

2009-05-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

Plans change. Big deal. Usually I welcome changing plans, but I was particularly unhappy with my plans changing today. I had planned to do a preemptive Mother's day strike on the Kitsap Peninsula. The specs? Some yardwork with Momalade, happy b-day wishing for Aunt S, a chat with G-ma, and some delightful RV prospecting with Auntie T. Oh, and a stop-over at Papa San's where I was planning a ride on the Deere...but my plans were foiled! The trusty wagon I ride started making noises which caused me to turn down the power ballad (likely Celine) I was being moved by in order to listen to the engine. After listening to her in different gears, I decided the rational thing to do was turn around. Ack. I wanted to deliver my cards by hand and hug. Now I will be posting them, so the four of you please keep your eyes glued to your respective mailboxes.

But...(I love elipses;)

Today turned out to be s'wonderful.

I laced up my tennies, walked to Discovery Park, crocheted a pot holder in the sun, renewed my library card, checked out three books about dogs (the only breed they had a book on was Australian Shepherds, so I checked it out and made the man at the front desk an offer, if he could get the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel book, I would bring the Aussie one back. Fair trade. He agreed. Those librarians are so agreeable on tradesies), met up with A to read in downtown Maggie, hitched a ride back home and am now settling in to watch my FREE library check-0ut (French independent, "A Very Long Engagement"... I'm expecting uplifting...ha:).

Adieu my darlings,

kiki san

And then I realized why I'm here

2009-05-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

Work, it's overwhelming. My list of to-do's has been growing without my consent. At one point I looked at it and its 29 lines cackled back at me. I couldn't stand looking anymore so I stole away to the kitchen to make my perfect sandwich. As I cut up the avocado and arranged my thinly sliced turkey in neatly folded layers, I almost cried. How did it get like this? Not my to-do list, but my job? I love my job, but I never feel like I've put in enough effort. At least not proportionate to the amount of work I produce. Just when I've polished off a project, five are waiting in a line like noisy little kids begging for attention. I got into global health because of the cry of my heart to make a difference in the world. But somewhere in the process "making a difference" morphed into making a dent in menial work. I don't want anyone to question my commitment, shoot, I don't want to question my commitment, but I need to get back to the reason I started doing this in the first place.

So I suppressed the tears (because I never want to let 'em see me sweat, let alone cry) and carried my sandwich back to my cube, slid the door closed behind me and ate in solitude. I opened my email and felt compelled to read an email about the ONE Campaign's Global Campaign for Education. I clicked through to the the video and tears started involuntarily coming. This was the reminder I needed http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieQhZAGKYdo

If you just watched the video, did you cry too? Nothing gets me riled up more than the injustice of lack of access to equal education. Every child should have their minds opened through education so they can realize who God made them to be. I am so thankful that I was raised in a country that believes in the equal education of girls and boys. I have a deep longing to move to another place that doesn't value girls enough to give them an education, just so I can stand in the way of that injustice and tell the girls they are just as smart, just as courageous, and just as important. And maybe God will use me some day to do that, but for now, this is how I'm supposed to change the world. One expense report, scheduled phone call and website update at a time. Suddenly the 29 lines look a bit less reprehensible, I think I'm ready to give them another go...

kiki

There's something so ____ about blogging

2009-05-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

May 7th, 2009, the genesis of my blog.

A lot of thought has gone into the creation of my own blog. What do I have to contribute to the blogosphere? Nothing really. Yet I liken writing in my journal to cheap therapy, so maybe writing for the world to see will be cathartic and lead to much more expensive therapy because of all of the bad unsolicited advice I'll get when people know my bid'ness. Also, FYI, I am expecting a gaggle of followers to tap "subscribe" when they see the arrogant title, and yes, I did actually say that...once...then immediately regretted it:).

I feel I must offer up more than a simple background on the blog, that's why I've come prepared with a story. Today I opened my office door and took a running lead and ninja kicked out my door. No one saw which was hugley disappointing. I hung my head low as I skulked off to get my third cup of earl grey. Cry for attention in cube land, maybe yes.

kiki san